Travel Anxiety

In 3 weeks I leave not-so-sunny England for New Zealand (via 3 days in Hong Kong) for 9 months! As I told my mother "Some have a baby, I chose a gap year" *cue uncomfortable laughter*.
As the time gets nearer, it is becoming more real. I'm having to save a lot of money (much to the detriment of my current account), make a list of things to pack and struggle through choosing travel insurance. Plus parents/friends are starting to get all quiet when I mention how long it is until I go away, which is kind of sad (apart from one of my aunties who is really excited for me, since she backpacked around Africa via lorry when she was my age.)
The scariest thing that is starting to sink in is that I will be alone. There is no guarantee that I will make firm friends on my BUNAC group flight, or in hostels. I need to find a job and a place to live pretty quickly otherwise my money might run out....

Anyway, I've been having some really weird other anxieties about my life in NZ so.... enjoy.

• There aren't any Costa Coffees. This shouldn't be such a worry but I love Costa because it reminds me of lovely chats with my best friend, so it could cure my homesickness. 
• I'm not sure they celebrate Halloween?? I lovelovelove Halloween, and it would be kind of weird not celebrating it.
• I am scared of spending Christmas alone. I envisage a very sad looking me with a veggie Christmas dinner for one, wearing my L.E.D jumper and reindeer skirt. Oh, and its sunny not snowing outside.
• Do they have Heinz Spaghetti?
• Will there be sufficient WiFi? I've read in some places that NZ has some shocking WiFi.

So yeah basically I'm entering mad panic mode!! Its starting to dawn on me how big and scary this trip is, and that I'm doing it alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited. But terrified. 

The next 3 weeks are going to be weird, and I'll sure as hell be turning to this blog to vent some feelings! 

Thanks for reading,

Kitty x

How to Miss Your Best Friend

My best friend Darcy has been gone for 3 days now and I'm bored. I want her to leave university and come and play with me. So far, my attempts to miss her have been poor and have yet to guilt trip her into coming home so I have thought have some more inventive ways to do this.
If you also have a best friend who has selfishly gone to uni without you etc, feel free to read and get them to love you again.

Write a blog post about them- this shows that they are on your mind and will distract you from missing them so much.

Stalk them on all forms on social media- make sure that you get notifications every time they blog something on Tumblr, tweet, do anything on Facebook or put a picture on Instagram.

Find a way to slip them into every conversation that you have with someone who isn't them. For example, "What do you want for dinner" "Haha speaking of dinner Darcy went food shopping for uni! I miss her."

Mark your territory (not in that way)- Warn all their new friends that you are top dog and nobody else will even get close to your friend without passing a written test and a practical.

When you visit them, leave bits of your hair in their room.

Re-name pets after them.

Send them Snapchat videos of you serenading them.

Go to their parents' house and have a group cry about how much you miss them.


Okay I think that's enough. In all seriousness, its okay to miss your best friend. Just give them some space to settle in and stuff. Don't worry, they probably still love you.
Darcy if you're reading this, I hope you are both laughing and crying.
(Sorry about the lack of blog posts, I've been busy getting ready to leave for New Zealand!)

Thanks for reading,
Kitty x

Feelings

It's hard, being the only constant in an unstable environment. It's been nearly 2 months since my boyfriend became ill. And when I say ill I don't mean sappy man flu, I mean neurological possibly serious we just don't know kind of ill. I'm the only person who is really there for him, so I'm the one who has to bandage him up when he falls during a dizzy spell, calm him down when he starts to worry about what is wrong with him or remind him things when his memory fails- and that has been hard. On top of that, his illness began right as my exams did, so I've been juggling A2 exams, a job, friends and family and him. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent him for it, not one bit. I love being there for him and, lets face it, it's great practice for my nursing career. But its still hard and it has taken its toll on me. I feel guilty when I'm not there with him and his symptoms are playing up, I feel guilty when I complain about having a hard day at work and I feel guilty for wanting to just switch off and relax. My friends have noticed a change in me, and regularly remind me to look after myself. That's all good and well and thank-you but what I really need is for someone to bear the weight for a bit. Telling me it's okay and that I need to relax doesn't work when there is still nobody there to care for him in my place.
The MRI scan is tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,
Kitty x

Moving On Up

On my final day of secondary school education (which is tomorrow but I am being proactive and posting now wow go me), I'm feeling weirdly relieved. If you read my previous blog post, you would have realised that I've been at my current school for the past 7 years, so its been a big deal to leave. But, unlike in the past few months, I'm starting to feel disenchanted with school and I really feel ready to leave. I've spent a good deal of my life there, and I've changed a lot compared to the shy little chubby girl who was really terrified of the world. I'm moving on from a lot of things at the moment, and it just seems suitable to leave school behind.
One thing I'm finding hardest to come to terms with is the fact that, after 7 years, I am only keeping in contact with a few people. I've lost more friends than I've gained and that's kind of a scary prospect. I partly think its because people don't like the person I've become- which is fine. I've changed a lot , in particular this year, because of stress, breakups, life choices etc. I'm not ashamed of the person I am. I guess that is just the way school goes, and I can't wait to move on and make new friends (or if not, adopt loads of animals).
I guess I'm just feeling a bit sad that I don't have a lot to show from 7 years of school.
I'm still going to cry my eyes out of course, this school was a massive part of my life. Plus I'm a hormonal, nostalgic, frequent cryer.
If you're also leaving school, please comment/tweet/tumblr message me and tell me how you're feeling about it.
Thanks for reading,
Kitty x


(p.s, I have gap year news! I'm heading off to New Zealand on October 24th with BUNAC! i'll do another gap year post soonish maybe though)

The Key To Happiness

I've been thinking about happiness a lot lately, and what it feels like to be truly happy. It's been a really tough past couple of months, and so any moments in which I feel happy are treasured. However there are very few moments that I can still re-live the feeling of pure joy for life, and they remind me to smile even when I'm sad.
It's a pretty rough time for anyone at the moment I feel, so I'm encouraging both you and myself to think about the happier times to get us through the darker times. So, here are my most treasured moments of happiness within the past year.

8th August - Yasmin (one of my best friends) and I went to Cardiff to visit the 'Doctor Who Experience'. It was my first trip which was without parents that I had organized and it felt good. I was starting to buzz with the idea of leaving home and, as you may remember, this was the trip where the Gap Year idea started. My favourite memory from this trip, however, was when we visited the Tardis set in the BBC studios. We were so unbelievably excited and could barely contain ourselves; which made our fellow tour-takers smile a lot. We ran around the set like hyper children, joining in with the jokes that the tour guides made and enthusiastically answering jolly quiz questions. It makes me smile about how excited we were, and the way it felt to be a little bit more carefree in a new city.

15 or 16th or something August 2013- Results day. My stomach was churning, my hands shaking and my dress sense was fabulous (dressing nicely calms me down). I had every second of the morning planned out, even the playlist for the car on the way to collect them. After the usual 'wait, how do you say your name' fiasco, I collected that ugly brown envelope. And I opened it. And I cried a bucket load of happy, 'thank god that's over' tears. I hadn't failed Human Biology which, as someone who wants to apply for nursing, is pretty essential. I stood, still shaking, having to mop up my face with my Dad's handkerchief. It was a really weird day, because a lot of people close to me were pretty upset but the relief that swept over me was unbelievable. Plus it was because of that day that I got the motivation to work for Year 13.

25th-29th October- The Berlin history trip was probably the happiest I have ever been (or that I can remember), and that was largely due to the fact that I was really really unhappy and yet I managed to let that go and enjoy myself with my best friend Darcy. The whole trip was totally amazing, but there was one moment that really stuck out. And this story will be told in great detail, so bear with me.
Darcy and I were having a pretty rough day, as many of our fellow classmates were being a bit insensitive when it came to a memorial. We eventually found a Dunkin' Donuts in the Sony Center to relax in and had a gorgeous lunch (both in terms of food and conversation) in which we shared a lot of stuff and became even closer. On our way to meet the rest of the group, we noticed a large red carpet being set up, and the Thor 2 film being advertised. One of our classmates told us that it was the Berlin premiere for the film that night but we refused to believe him. It was confirmed soon after that, but we dismissed the idea that we could turn up as we were on a school trip. Luckily, one of the attending teachers was a big Marvel fan and agreed to let us return in time to see the actors arriving. We madly fantasized about being able to see the actors and worked ourselves up into a frenzy of excitement. When the time came, our teachers said meet back at 9 and gave us free reign. Darcy and I immediately ran off into the crowd, shouting excuse me in poor German as we went, and got an okay space to see the red carpet. Chris Hemsworth passed right by us and we screamed with happiness, still amazed that we were here. Somehow, I'll never know how, we managed to get to the front of our section of barriers. We waited patiently until Tom Hiddleston arrived and screamed with happiness when he did. He spent a small amount of time signing stuff on the other side of the carpet and then went off to be interviewed. By chance, he quickly returned to the hoards of people and started signing again. His agent was keen to move him on, and by this point our barrier started screaming for him to come over.
I'll never know why, but he did. He ran over to our barrier and, whilst nearly slipping, ran straight to me and Darcy. Over the screams of people around us, he said (and if this is wrong, Darcy, please correct me. It's a mad blur) "Here are tickets to my premiere tonight, come and see my film." Darcy grabbed the tickets and he had to run off.
Screams. We screamed, a lot. We had no idea what to do. After being told what to do (go on the red carpet!) by some lovely fans next to us, we eventually got onto the red carpet. Still star-struck and mega shocked, we made our way up the red carpet to see our other friends in the crowd; amazed.
I don't think I will ever be as happy as I was that day. It was totally amazing, and made me giddy with excitement whenever I think about it.
Here are some GIFs and pictures...

 

Anyway! Those were my happiest moments of this past year (yes I know we are in May of this year, but I can't top Berlin). I'm not kidding when I say I think of these when I'm sad, and it really does work. Remembering that Tom Hiddleston personally gave you tickets to his film premiere really gets the Serotonin levels rising. 

If this blog post can tell you anything, it's that life can be really rubbish sometimes and it can suck when you feel you have nothing to be happy about. But that doesn't mean it always will be. One of the reasons why I had such a fantastic time in Berlin was because I was in such a dark place, and suddenly I was given a chance to relax and enjoy myself.

Even when things are going wrong, you can always have something to keep you going.

Feel free to share your happiest moments with me in the comments, on twitter or on tumblr.

Thanks for reading,
Kitty x

p.s) this blog post is dedicated to Darcy, my best girl. I love you, keep going. 

Relationship Real Talk

As an angsty teenage girl, I am a by definition a self-proclaimed relationship guru. And let me tell you, teenage relationships are weird. There are hormones, life choices, awkward chats about the future and its all very messy.

The reason I wanted to make this blog post is because this is a topic which I rarely see on the Internet, and I wish it was. I've always felt a bit lost when it comes to relationships because they're so personal and none are alike to another. I want to tackle the issues which I've faced in my relationships in the hope that others may be in a similar situation.

My first (proper) relationship was formed after meeting a boy 4 times. He was part of a new and exciting group of friends that I acquired and I was super excited at the prospect of someone finding me attractive. I tentatively told my parents and they were very accepting and happy for me. With my parents on board and our relationship blossoming, everything seemed peachy...apart from the distance. He lived two bus rides away, so I spent most of my weekends travelling to meet him or waiting for him to arrive. I saw him less and less and started to disagree with his constant party lifestyle. He began to prioritise this lifestyle and once left me alone in his home town after an argument. Strains began to form and one fateful day in Sheffield, I discovered that he'd lied to me about something really important and I couldn't take it. I broke up with him a week later. It was an easier breakup than I expected and we calmly accepted that we wouldn't be friends again. Getting over him wasn't easy, and I still missed him sometimes, but I could easily justify our breakup.

My second relationship happened after a very very long period of 'when will they' with my best friend. We'd been friends since aged 11 and had been in sort of relationships before but it was different this time. My parents were thrilled, my friends were thrilled, I was thrilled. We had a slightly bumpy road due to his stress and my stress but we got through it. He decided to go to college, and I was super happy for him; he was moving on and I felt like I was going along with him. After a lovely year together, September came and ruined it. Our relationship took a turn for the worst due to circumstance and I broke it off. I was absolutely devastated, and that stayed true for another 3 months. I barely went a week without crying. He entered into a new relationship with a girl that he met at college and I got bitter. Embarrassingly bitter. So much so that I complained to people whenever I could. It hurts to lose someone you love, and it still hurts now (7 months on). I'm doing a lot better now. I've cleared the air with both him and his girlfriend, and I really think things are going to get better.

Luckily, things changed as the new year began. I met someone new! Downside: big age gap. It's not been easy. My family don't approve and nor do many of my friends and I tried to break it off, but I couldn't do it- it didn't feel right. After a lot of inner (and outer) debate, I decided to carry on. Despite what other people thought, it feels right for me to be in this relationship, and surely that is what matters? I am trying to handle the criticism and understand how others are feeling whilst making sure that I am still happy. I'm finally finding myself in a place where I feel confident and happy, and that hasn't been easy, but at the moment its the best way forward. I wish it was easier, but its not. I've accepted that the feelings of my loved ones will not change.

My romantic relationships have all affected me in different ways and I wish that I had handled things better. But I don't regret anything, I am glad that I was honest with the people closest to me, and I am glad that I left the relationships which made me feel sad. I am trying to become my own person, and find my place in the world (thank-you Taylor Swift lyrics) and relationships are a big part of that. As long as you stay respectful to yourself, leave if you become unhappy and are honest with both yourself and those closest to you, the damage will be minimal. It will be messy, but it will be worth it.

I hope this had shed some light, or more likely provided ten minutes entertainment. I felt like it was time for me to share something a bit more personal on here because I like to share.
Thanks for reading,
Kitty x